The All-Wizards cast of Hamilton

Today, Disney+ debuts the Hamilton film, and like any perfectly normal person with no cognitive impairments of any kind I got to wondering: what would the cast look like if it was cast with Washington Wizards?

Stop looking at me like that.

If you don’t know about Hamilton...a) where were you in 2015, 2016 and 2017 when it was destroying Broadway box office records and sweeping the Tony’s? b) it’s a hip hop musical about America’s Founding Fathers, and it’s great, and c) instead of casting stodgy white guys, Lin-Manuel Miranda chose people of color.

Miranda, by the way, won a MacArthur genius grant before he wrote Hamilton.

Warning: a few spoilers below.

Alexander Hamilton — Smart, uber talented, writes crazy fast (maybe like he’s running out of time?). Needlessly got into duels a lot because he was petty and easily offended. Missed his shot at becoming president with a self-inflicted injury (of sorts). Wizards match: I hate that this makes me think of John Wall.

Marquis de Lafayette — French guy who came to America to start fights and annoy people. Known as a brilliant military strategist. An immigrant who got the job done. Wizards match: Davis Bertans. The choice here was nearly Moritz Wagner, who lives to be the turd in the punch bowl, but he’s nowhere near as effective a player as Lafayette was a soldier. Bertans, on the other hand, is an elite shooter with the sense to take tons of threes (77% of his FGA this season have been from three-point range).

Hercules Mulligan — He was learning to be a tailor, though he desired more out of life. Wanted to have a war so he could prove himself and get promoted. Was a spy for the American side. Might not have been as competent as he thought he was. Wizards match: Troy Brown. Young. Learning. Needs more chances to prove himself. Might actually get them in the restart.

John Laurens — Close friends with Hamilton. Really close. Like, he offers to die for Hamilton. Like, some historians think Hamilton and Laurens may have secretly been lovers. It’s even kinda referenced in the show. Good fighter too. Wizards match: Markieff Morris. Yeah, I know Morris isn’t with the Wizards anymore, but even that fits — Laurens died in 1782, one of the last casualties of the Revolutionary War.

Aaron Burr — Advocate of talking less and smiling more. Has no opinions and won’t take a stand on anything, at least in public. Spoiler alert: he tries to blackmail Hamilton about an affair Hamilton was having (this thing gets sordid), which prompts Hamilton to write an expose of {checks notes} himself. Burr ends up killing Hamilton in a duel. Wizards match: Isaac Bonga.

Angelica Schuyler — Smarter than Hamilton. Smarter than everyone, really, but no one cares that much because it was the 1700s and she had failed to be born male. Fell in love with Hamilton but her sister, Eliza, fell for him first. Plus, Hamilton didn’t have money or status and she needed both in a husband to uphold responsibility to her family. Did the 1700s version of sexting with him (they called it “writing letters”) while she was married to a rich British guy. Wizards match: Ish Smith.

Eliza Schuyler — Married Hamilton and had a son. Burned all Hamilton’s letters when she learned of his affair, and then ended up reconciling with him after their son went to New Jersey and died in a duel. She outlived Hamilton by 50 years and is the primary reason Ron Chernow had enough material about him to inspire Miranda’s musical. Wizards match: Rui Hachimura. He may never be perceived as great, but I could somehow envision him playing 18 minutes a game for a 32-win Wizards team in 2040.

And Peggy Schuyler — The third sister who doesn’t really do much in the musical except sing harmonies and get forgotten. Wizards match: Ian Mahinmi.

King George III — Rich. Powerful. Appears intermittently to dispense what he thinks are pearls of wisdom but are actually twaddle. Wizards match: Ted Leonsis.

Thomas Jefferson — Spends the whole first act in France. When he shows up, it’s mostly to annoy Hamilton. Lots of ideas, some of them even good, but kind of a hypocrite. Good rapper. Wizards match: Scott Brooks. Talks a great game and seems to have terrific ideas. And then, his team doesn’t defend and rolls with an offensive system that’s mostly just giving the ball to a star and having that guy make plays.

James Madison — Historically, he was a big driver of getting the Constitution written and ratified. In the musical mostly serves as Jefferson’s “amen” chorus. Wizards match: Anzejs Pasecniks. Really unfair to Madison because the Founding Father was an impressive dude for his time. Pasecniks isn’t much good, but he was brought to Washington primarily to be a Latvian-speaking friend for Bertans, who the Wizards want to keep.

Maria Reynolds — Pronounced “Mariah.” Seduces Hamilton over his objections, which leads to her husband blackmailing him. Hamilton pays, but when Burr decides to join the blackmail fun, Hamilton outs himself. This lack of impulse control probably prevented Hamilton from becoming president. Wizards match: Isaiah Thomas. Sure, Scott Brooks isn’t Hamilton, but he damn well knew he had no business giving Thomas so many minutes. When producers fire Thomas after the first act, he gets replaced in the role by Jerome Robinson.

George Washington — The father figure who keeps everyone in their respective lanes and somehow leads founding a nation and a peaceful transition of power. When he leaves public life, he isn’t able to protect Hamilton...and boy does that not turn out well. Wizards match: Bradley Beal. The Wizards sure hope he’s not planning to exit the team’s “life” because they’re thoroughly unprepared for a “transition of power.” Beal’s a very good player and has emerged as a skilled leader this season.

Phillip Hamilton — Hamilton’s teenage son. Crazy enthusiastic about everything. Gets into a duel in New Jersey because someone badmouthed his dad. Throws away his shot by firing into the air (like dad told him) and ends up getting killed. Wizards match: Thomas Bryant. Known for sending late night texts to coaches and teammates asking how he can improve, Bryant once celebrated so hard he nearly took out a ref. Highly effective on offense; not so great on defense. Still a month shy of his 23rd birthday.

The Bullet — As you may have noticed by now, dueling is important enough in Hamilton that an ensemble member actually embodies the Bullet. I’m down to two players and one role at this point. Admiral Schofield would be a worthy choice, but the Wizards match is Moritz Wagner, whose zeitgeist is annoying people.

There you have it — the definitive Wizards casting of Hamilton.

Also, if you have a few minutes, check out this tribute to Miranda and his shows, Hamilton and In the Heights, performed by my son, Joe Broom and co-produced by my other son, Andy Broom.