John Wall is Eleanor Shellstrop
The main protagonist. They seem abrasive at first because they tell it like it is, but the more you get to know them, the more you see their redeeming qualities. Like Eleanor, Wall is beginning to understand how some of his actions have led him to where he is, but that won’t stop him from trying to get to somewhere better than where he is.
Also, they both love seafood.
Bradley Beal is Tahani Al-Jamil
At first, it seems like Eleanor and Tahani are set up to be enemies whose contrasting styles will never work together. But the more they work together, the more you realize they have something special when they work together, and usually it’s outside forces who are trying to split them up before they get too powerful.
Otto Porter is Chidi Anagonye
Everything is there for them to be brilliant but they overthink everything, so you see these moments of brilliance, followed by long stretches where they’re suffering from paralysis by analysis.
Also, Chidi seems to be at his best with Eleanor but it seems like things always get in the way of that happening.
Markieff Morris is Jason Mendoza
This isn’t really fair to Markieff, but “Double MMA” is definitely something Jason would say.
Marcin Gortat is Vicky
They do a lot of the unappreciated dirty work, but they’re also very vocal about why they should have a bigger role and how things should work.
Marcin Gortat says he “has a lot in the tank” and wants to come back and play as the center he knows he can be — in the post, banging and eschewing small ball which he says is the “worst thing” in the NBA— Candace Buckner (@CandaceDBuckner) April 28, 2018
Kelly Oubre is Janet
Kelly gets a little better with each reboot, and we get to see a little more of his humanity as well. Like Janet, Kelly also has a way of saying the deepest things at the time you’d least expect it.
LeBron James is Trevor
He’s just here to make everything miserable.
Paul Pierce is Michael
HEAR ME OUT.
Paul Pierce comes to town and everyone is overjoyed. He looks like he’s got it all together and everyone’s going to live happily ever after. He hit the big shots and said all the right things to make you feel like things were going better than ever.
Then you remember he also missed a shot late that could have helped the Wizards win Game 4, he blew his defensive assignment on the final play of Game 5 which allowed Al Horford to get in position for the winning shot, and then in Game 6 he conveniently made his game-tying shot in a tenth of a second too late, to inflict maximum torture on Wizards fans.
Here’s the kicker: The Wizards gained nothing from the experience! They got to the second round before he arrived, they got to the second round he was there, and they still haven’t advanced the second round since he left. All he did was perpetuate the cycle, and now he continues to do so from a TV set. Tell me that doesn’t sound like some next level torture Michael would inflict.