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Other things the Clippers should have offered in their trade pitch for Otto Porter

By Jake Whitacre, Nick Bilka, Quinten Rosborough, Mike Knapp, and L.W.
Minnesota Timberwolves v Washington Wizards Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images

Otto Porter has been outstanding this season and cemented himself as a key part of the Wizards’ future. But that won’t stop anyone from trying to test the waters to see if there’s a way they can pry Porter out of Washington’s hands. That said, the Clippers’ recent pitch to acquire Porter was especially laughable, as reported by Zach Lowe of ESPN:

The Clippers are still kicking the tires on everything, including their pipedream of snaring Carmelo Anthony from the Kazoos without giving up any of their core four guys. They've called about almost every available small forward type, but no one is in a rush to take Jamal Crawford, Austin Rivers, and a distant first-round pick. That won't get them Wilson Chandler, and the Wiz threw their phones on the floor when the Clippers inquired about Otto Porter, per league sources.

Sorry, Clippers. You were so close, yet so very, very far away. Here are a few more things that the Clippers probably considered throwing in there to sweeten the pot:

  • Jeremiah Rivers
  • A framed picture of the 2007 NBA Champion Boston Celtics (who were coached by Doc Rivers!)
  • The Clippers’ mascot
  • A Microsoft Zune
  • Jamario Moon
  • Blake Griffin’s Kia
  • An otter who would henceforth be referred to as “Otter Porter”
  • A guest appearance in Chris Paul’s next State Farm ad
  • The Clippers’ 2029 first round pick (top 30 protected until 2104)
  • Kendrick Perkins
  • Nate Robinson
  • Glen Davis
  • A mixtape of Jamal Crawford’s best moves
  • Okay fine, two Microsoft Zunes
  • A complimentary year of Microsoft Office 365
  • James Posey
  • Frankie Muniz
  • A motivational speech by Steve Ballmer
  • A complementary meal at In-N-Out
  • A new phone to replace the one you just threw on the floor
  • Billy Crystal
  • The trademark on the Clippers’ red uniform design
  • A sculpture of a Griffin so the Wizards could say they traded Porter for Griffin
  • An actual set of clippers
  • A signed copy of Windows ME
  • A complementary new identity package for the Wizards, made exclusively in MS Paint
  • An invitation to next year’s Rivers family Christmas dinner
  • Is Jack Nicholson a Clippers fan? No? Nevermind.
  • Okay fine, we’ll throw in Josh Smith
  • Baron Davis
  • Michael Olowokandi
  • Three cans of Pringles
  • A basketball signed by either DeAndre Jordan or Michael B. Jordan, it’s hard to make out the signature on this thing
  • Two cases of unused floppy disks
  • This thumb drive here, just give us a minute to clear the documents we had stored on there
  • A coupon for a free appetizer at Applebee’s. It’s expired, but they’ll honor it. Trust us, we’ve done it before. They aren’t going to risk losing your business.