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The perfect movie role for each of the Washington Wizards

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John Wall acts in a Foot Locker commercial marketing his signature shoes for Adidas in 2014. YouTube video screenshot

This past week was “Shaq Week” on NBA TV to honor soon-to-be Hall of Fame inductee Shaquille O’Neal. The network aired all his classic games, every Shaqtin-A-Fool episode, and pretty much everything in their archives that featured Shaq. They even showed Kazaam that Wednesday — yes, the movie where Shaq is a rapping genie.

My initial reaction was “Wow! They’re really bringing back Kazaam. When’s the last time that’s been on TV? I know what I’m watching tonight.” But that quickly changed to “Wow, Kazaam was a really bad movie. There’s a reason why it’s not on TV often. Why would anyone want to re-watch that movie?”

Kazaam is a terrible movie. Like really, really terrible. Shaq was good at a lot of things like playing basketball, breaking backboards, and rapping (?) but acting was not one of his talents. (Although I’ll give him a pass for Steel. Still a poor film, but I’ll watch Shaq blow up stuff and fight bad guys any day.)

Like The Diesel, many NBA stars have attempted to transition to acting. Some played in good movies (i.e Michael Jordan and Ray Allen), others were in awful movies (Dennis Rodman and Kevin Durant). Which led me to think if any current Washington Wizard could have a promising acting career.

Of course they’re professional athletes and not trained actors so I wouldn’t expect them to win an Oscar or Golden Globe. However, I’ve figured out the perfect role for each player if they did decide to take a shot at acting.

Bradley Beal, Trey Burke, and Kelly Oubre, Jr.

I’m in the same age group as Brad, Kelly and Trey. Basically all the women I follow on social media are also in this age group. So I know how the ladies feel about these guys. My sister has referred to Bradley and “bae” many times. I remember seeing the heart-eyed emojis on every picture of Kelly Oubre on draft night, and Trey Burke being someone’s Man Crush Monday. They’re the heartthrobs of the Wizards. Which is why it is easy to see them play the love interest in a romantic comedy. I see them playing a role like Rick Fox in Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns: a smooth, charming, strong-minded man who is ready to give the female lead the love and affection she needs. Tyler Perry has that character archetype in all his movies, so they’re good to go.

Marcin Gortat

Phoenix Suns v Denver Nuggets

Why hasn’t Marcin been in an action movie yet? His nickname is the Polish Machine, that alone should have casting directors begging him to be in the next Die Hard (I’m sure they’re thinking about making another one). Marcin would be a perfect henchmen in a 007 movie. Imagine him cramped in a sports car chasing James Bond and then the two of them square off in an epic duel that’ll lead to Marcin getting killed in the most unconventional, Bond-like, way.

John Wall

John Wall seems like a fun guy to hang out with. He’s all about having a good time, laughing, and enjoying life. Which is why he would be great in a comedic role. The best example is LeBron James in Trainwreck. Yes, he played himself, but it was a bizarre/sillier version of himself. LeBron has the comedic timing to tell jokes. I’m sure John does too. (Sidenote: John really needs to sign a shoe deal quick so he can be in more Footlocker commercials.)

Otto Porter & Andrew Nicholson

When thinking of the perfect role for Otto and Andrew, I instantly thought of an IT specialist or computer hacker. Specifically like John Salley’s character, Fletcher, in Bad Boys. I don’t know why it was my first thought, but it makes sense.

Jason Smith

Doesn’t Jason Smith look like a politician? I wouldn’t be surprised if he ran for city councilman when he retires. Maybe he should play a little role on House of Cards. That would be cool. Or maybe he should play a lazy cop in a buddy-cop film. That could work too.

Ian Mahimi & Markieff Morris

NBA: Washington Wizards at Detroit Pistons Raj Mehta-USA TODAY Sports

Ian Mahinmi is a big, strong man who you shouldn’t pick a fight with though I’m sure he’s a very nice guy. Markieff Morris is tough and intimidating, he also never smiles. Ian and Kieff look like bodyguards. These two would be good playing a bodyguard for a mob boss. A boss like Jack Nicholson in The Departed. Oh man, that would be great. I want to watch The Departed now.

Tomas Satoransky

Little is known about Tomas Satoransky. All we know is he’s from the Czech Republic and he’s pretty good at basketball. He’s mysterious — like Jason Bourne mysterious. Yes, that’s it! Tomas should definitely play a secret agent or an International spy. Maybe he and Marcin should pair up for a new Jason Statham movie.

Marcus Thornton & Jarell Eddie

This was actually the hardest to figure out. I couldn’t picture either Marcus or Jarell acting. They should be in a Fast & Furious movie, there’s not much acting involved in those films.