13. John Wall = Wall John
It’s hard when your name is eight letters long.
12. Kelly Oubre = Key Our Bell
This just feels a little underdeveloped.
11. Jarell Eddie = Jailed Elder
Old man in prison? You know he was up to no good.
10. Trey Burke = Try Rebuke
“I did!” Quin Snyder said.
9. Ian Mahinmi = Him in Mania
There’s no I in team, but there is one in Ian and Mania. Coincidence? Let’s hope so.
8. Markieff Morris = Mr. Foam Friskier
No idea what Markieff is up to here under his pseudonym, but count me out.
7. Jason Smith = Sham Joints
Ice those knees every day after practice, Jason.
6. Bradley Beal = Brad Eyeball
We should just change his name to this right now.
5. Andrew Nicholson = Nanosecond Whirl
A nanosecond whirl sounds like an effective post move. He should try it this season. You know Kevin Love wouldn’t be ready for it.
4. Tomas Satoransky = Toasty Arson Mask
No idea what a toasty arson mask is, but let’s keep Tomas away from anything flammable until we find out.
3. Marcus Thornton = Trust Nacho Norm
Never count out Nacho Norm. Never.
2. Otto Porter = Tot Trooper
This sounds about right.
1. Marcin Gortat = Acting Mortar
Of course he got the name that sounds like an explosive. He’s probably thrilled.