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A list of free stuff Washington should offer Kevin Durant to join the Wizards

Washington Redskins v New York Giants Photo by Alex Goodlett/Getty Images

NBA Free Agency is less than a month away, so teams are starting to up the ante as they try to lure Durant to their city. Boston has started off with an impressive offer:

That's nice and all, but Washington can do way better. If there's one city in the world who knows how to give people free stuff over and under the table, it's Washington D.C. Here's a list of stuff the city can offer to Kevin Durant if he joins the Wizards this summer.

  • Erect a statue at the Verizon Center in time for his first game as a Wizard.
  • Free seafood at any Legal Sea Foods location in D.C. or Virginia (You really didn't think that one out, did you Boston?)
  • Heck, free food anywhere. Just walk in and say you're Kevin Durant.
  • They'll actually fix Metro. Once it's fixed he'll have his own private car and line on the system.
  • A John Wall bobblehead that actually looks like John Wall for once.
  • D.C. statehood.
  • A special promo code for Wizards tickets he can give to family and friends so they don't have to hit him up directly when they want seats to the game.
  • The power to tell Kirk Cousins he can't listen to Creed anymore.
  • The power to rename any and all sports teams located within 200 miles of Washington D.C.
  • Pool party with Joe Biden.
  • Mike Prada will stop making puns on Twitter (he still reserves the right to make puns in casual conversation).
  • Access to the nuclear codes. We don't expect KD to launch any missiles, but we think he'd be intrigued by the ability to wield that power.
  • A statue for Kevin Durant's mom on the National Mall.
  • Unlimited access to the nation's classified files so he can find out which conspiracies are true.
  • Can play video games at the Verizon Center whenever he wants. If someone else is using the venue at the time, they just have to step to the side and wait it out until he's done.
  • A Constitutional Amendment to ban the Lil B Curse.