Thanksgiving can be a trying time for those of us who don’t always see eye to eye with our family on certain sensitive topics. Though most of us can see eye to eye on mundane issues like the 2016 Presidential Election, Kanye West, and whether cake is bread, there is the perennial topic that you always try to avoid but some pesky relative always brings up: The early season struggles of the Washington Wizards.
While your extended family has known about your Wizard fandom for a long time, and have generally tolerated it with the bemused condescension that they reserve for a nephew who now identifies as a juggalo, they still can’t help needling you with uncomfortable questions and arguments when you are just trying to enjoy a holiday meal. Here, we offer helpful tips for answering those sure to come up questions and arguments at Thanksgiving.
Uncle Jim: “Sounds like things are a real mess down there in Warshington”
Answer: “Mess doesn’t even begin to describe the situation. The bench is atrocious, the starters can’t defend the three point line, and it seems like someone is getting injured. I worry it is only a matter of time before John Wall starts to express his displeasure. When they are on the floor together they have an offensive rating of 104 and a defensive rating of 98.6. That’s not bad!! If they can just fix their bench (Ian Mahinmi is coming), keep their starters healthy, and fix their 4th quarter issues they can squeak into the 8 spot!”
Overhears cousins talking: “That whole Hamilton controversy was weird. Do you think Mike…”
Answer: “Look, I don’t want to dwell on the past. Jerry Stackhouse was a fine player, but trading a young talent like Rip was just symptomatic of the problems with franchise’s overall philosophy and part of the reason Michael Jordan was let go. Washington can’t just rely on older veterans and neglect to develop young talent. It’s happened too often in Wizard history.”
Grandpa: “I am not sure quite what to think about this Sessions fellow. There was a time he couldn’t get on the court…
Answer: (Sigh and give a knowing look to the relatives around the table and speak in a very loud voice)
“OH GRANDPA, HE’S IN CHARLOTTE NOW. THEY TRADED FOR TREY BURKE BUT NOW THEY ARE STARTING TOMAS SATORANSKY, IT’S COMPLICATED.” (whisper to family) “Poor grandpa, I think his memory is going”
Father: “Nobody is trying to talk about the Wizards. Besides, whatever happened to yinz telling us last thanksgiving that they were going to sign Kevin Durant and compete for a championship?”
Answer: “Mom, Do you think you can fix me a plate for the road?”