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Jason Smith is the Wizards’ Designated Survivor

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People were confused when the Wizards decided to offer Jason Smith a three year, $16 million deal over the summer. Washington already had two highly-paid centers on the roster, and they have two young, athletic players who could man the 4 spot ahead of him.

But you know what? As your fifth big man, he makes sense. He has enough strength and rim protecting skills to be a serviceable center when asked, and he has a solid enough jumper to space the floor at power forward in the right situation. He may not be everyone’s first choice, but he just might be the perfect guy for the Wizards in an emergency.

Jason Smith is a lot like the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, he seems like a small, insignificant part of a 15 man group in Washington until disaster strikes and he becomes the most powerful man in the nation’s capital.

[The scene opens with Jason Smith watching the new X-Men movie in the Wizards’ locker room by himself. Suddenly, the TV cuts out.]

JASON SMITH: That’s weird.

[Smith gets up to change the channel. As he does, a member of team’s training staff enters the room.]

TRAINER: Jason, you need to come with me now!

SMITH: What’s going on?

TRAINER: There’s no time for questions! We have to go!

[As Smith is rushed out of the locker room, he sees men in Hazmat suits rushing toward the Wizards’ basketball court.]

[Jason Smith riding in the back of large minivan. The Wizards’ trainer is in the front passenger’s seat, talking on the phone.]

TRAINER: Yes, I understand. I’ll pass along the message. [Hangs up phone.]

SMITH: What is going on right now? I’m so confused.

TRAINER: Remember after the game in Philly last week when we gave you a salad while everyone ate a cheesesteak?

SMITH: Yeah, kinda rude in my opinion.

TRAINER: Well, everyone who ate those cheesesteaks came down with food poisoning. You’re the only healthy player left on the team right now.

SMITH: Well what are we going to do about the game tonight if everyone’s sick?

TRAINER: I just got off the phone with Ernie Grunfeld. He’s rounding up emergency D-League players to fill out the roster for tonight’s game, but they’re not going to take much of the burden off of you.

With John Wall, Bradley Beal, Otto Porter, Markieff Morris, Marcin Gortat, Tomas Satoransky, Kelly Oubre, Ian Mahinmi, Andrew Nicholson, and Trey Burke out, you are next in the line of succession to be the team’s top player.

SMITH: I’m not equipped to handle that! I’m just an agent in the Counter Terrorism Unit. How am I fit for this role?

TRAINER: Jason, you’re thinking Keifer Sutherland’s role on 24. This is a different show.

SMITH: Sorry, I always get that mixed up. Where do we go from here?

TRAINER: I’m taking you to our emergency bunker under the Kettler Iceplex. We’ll figure things out there.

[A clearly unnerved Jason Smith walks into the Wizards’ situation room, where he’s greeted by Wizards management, who is frantically trying to assess the situation and make important decisions on the fly. Smith tries to grab everyone’s attention, but fails. Finally, the trainer steps up.]


SMITH: [stammers] Umm...hi everyone, before we get into this, let’s take a moment to remember those who are struggling right now and hope for speedy recoveries for everyone involved.

[Everyone bows their head in a moment of silence.]

SMITH: All right, what’s the health status on the sick players?

TEAM DOCTOR: They’ll survive, but it’s going to be a long road back. They’re all going to miss at least a week, if not more.

SMITH: A week?!? But I’ve got a kid at home who needs me! He won’t talk at all but he’s obsessed with numbers and I’m worried if someone isn’t watching him that his powers will fall into the wrong hands.

TRAINER: Jason, you’re thinking of Touch. That was that series Keifer Sutherland did on Fox for a couple of years before it got canceled for obvious reasons and the network had to make it up to him by doing another season of 24.

SMITH: That’s right, sorry.

Anyways, do we know anything about who did this?

TEAM OFFICIAL: We had someone check out the employee records of the place that made the cheesesteaks to see if anyone had an axe to grind with the Wizards. Everything came back clean on their background checks, so it looks like we can rule them out.

SMITH: Interesting. So it had to happen at some point after the cheesesteaks were made, either while they were being delivered or while they were waiting in the locker room.

TEAM OFFICIAL: Well, we can rule out something happening in the locker room. We went through security footage in the team locker room and no one was in there between when the cheesesteaks were delivered and when the team got back there after the game.

SMITH: Those cheesesteaks were delivered at halftime of that double-overtime game, right?


Markieff Morris was very adamant about eating the cheesesteaks after the game. I wasn’t going to try to stand in his way.

GHEORGHE MURESAN (of course he’s part of this meeting, he’s the Suite Ambassador): It seems pretty clear to me this was the work of Liberty Ballers. They must have accessed the cheesesteaks while they were in transit to incapacitate our players. They wanted to give the 76ers an advantage and prove “The Process” is working.

We need to take decisive action. I propose we gather up every Wizards legend we can find and we take it to the 76ers when the face us on Thursday at the Verizon Center.

[Several other officials at the table voice agreement with Muresan.]

SMITH: No! We’re not going to retaliate until we’re 100 percent certain Liberty Ballers is behind this.

MURESAN: With all due respect Mr. Smith, we need to show the league we’re still a force in this league. A decisive blowout against the 76ers will show we’re not the laughing stock of the league with our stars out. Just give me 20 minutes and I can have a capable team of former Wizards ready to play with you. Gilbert Arenas said he could be here in 15 minutes, but he wants us to cover his Uber charges.

SMITH: [slams desk] NO! I’m in charge, and we’re doing this my way. If I’m wrong about this, we can do it your way, Mr. Muresan.

[Gheorghe Muresan shakes his head in disgust and walks away.]

[It’s two hours before tip off. Jason Smith has just finished meeting his cast of replacement players. Before he can go over the game plan, he has to meet with the media, who is eager to find out how he plans to handle the challenge of being the team’s top player.]

BEN STANDIG: The team is missing all of their starters and several of their key bench pieces. Do you think the team can still be competitive?

SMITH: I’m going to be honest: I’m really not sure. But I’ll give it my best and see what happens.

SOME NERDY BLOGGER: According to SportVU, you were well below average in isolation situations last year, are you worried you're going to be trouble if you’re the team’s focal point on offense tonight?

SMITH: Trouble? I'm a poet, with flowers of all things.

BEN STANDIG: Isn't that one of Keifer Sutherland's lines in Young Guns?

SMITH: Ugh, I don't know if I'm cut out for this job.