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The new John Wall Burger is a monster

Whole Foods Market just created a new signature John Wall burger, and it sounds just as delicious as his game.

Wallburger is inching ever closer to becoming a reality. Today the Whole Foods Market in the Foggy Bottom neighborhood unveiled the John Wall burger via Twitter, and it is a monster.

BEHOLD! A near perfect juxtaposition of ground beef and basketball. While I wouldn't recommend any athlete to even think about eating this, it is perfect for us mere mortal basketball fans. Let's take a look under the hood.


  • All Beef Patty
  • Candied Bacon (!!!)
  • Fried Pickle
  • Cheddar Cheese
  • Grilled Onions
  • Kentucky Bourbon Barbecue Sauce
  • Lettuce?

Just incredible. This thing has candied bacon? Bacon with sugar on it? I'm sold. Fried Pickle is an interesting choice, but you can't hate on Whole Foods for throwing caution to the wind and loading this thing with as many calories as possible. The Kentucky bourbon BBQ sauce is also a nice touch seeing as how John Wall is a UK alum.

My only knock on this burger is that it has lettuce. This burger needs to embrace what it is, an UNHOLY NUCLEAR GUTBOMB. No need for leafs of lettuce to get in the way of such a beautiful thing. Replace the lettuce with another strip of candied bacon and bask in the glory of the angels singing down from heaven, because you have just created the perfect burger. If you listen closely, you can already hear the faint sounds of buttons catapulting off of the fronts of pants coming from the D.C. area.

If anyone lives near the Foggy Bottom neighborhood, please go eat this thing and report your findings in the comments. If you survive that is...