Disclaimer: Hopefully representing what we'd like to see out of our draft picks getting some burn, irrespective of the finer points of what the coaches may or may not be telling them to do.
John Wall's New Year's Resolutions
- Endure! For the franchise to complete their mission and reach future dominance, John Wall must survive.
- Get healthy! Nothing promotes survivability like plenty of hit points. While no one ever plays completely green, no sane gamer will enter a multiplayer match in the most competitve arena in the world at 70 or 80% health.
- Run the Offense! Gone are the days of NBA Live where I could score 50 points apiece with Antawn Jamison and Gilbert Arenas ftw! NBA 2k11 is here and the half court offense is calling! Of course, all the pistons need to be firing, and who's talking about Detroit?
Nick Young's New Year's Resolutions
- Shoot! Keep pulling the trigger like it's House of the Dead 2, those zombie heads aren't going to explode by themselves.
- Pass! If you can shoot it like Kobe, they'll collapse on you faster than you can say 'burning building'. Learn to generate assists and Rook will raise a statue in your honor.
- Stay Fly! Ted needs studs to attract the Justin Bieber crowd. The ladies love you on Twitter, Nick. Like the the Nintendo Wii before you, it's time to cross the gender demographic and bring a new wave of Wizards fans into the fold.
Andray Blatche's New Year's Resolutions
- Within the Offense! We know you love to iso. We know the coaches will let you. But it's like Halo. When you keep grabbing the sniper rifle and fail to line the mantle with the heads of your enemies you will get flamed once the game's concluded. Don't forget the Indiana game (most emphatically take one)! WE CAN BE LIKE THIS FOREVER-ish!
- Lose that Poundage! Baron Davis is not on the cover of NBA 2k11 for a reason. I remember those spin moves on the baseline breaking down KG last year. I want to live those moments again.
- Get Mean! If I want a dough boy in Super Smash Bros., I'll pick Kirby. When you bring that ball above the rim, there should be nothing but a smoking crater beneath the hoop when you're finished, running back on defense beating your chest like freebasing Donkey Kong, paranoia optional.
Javale McGee's New Year's Resolutions
- Wisdom! Big Daddy Wookiee needs to channel Jedi Master Yoda. Just because you can jump four feet straight up doesn't mean you should do so when Brian Scalabrine pulls up from twenty feet. We know you can jump. Yes, it's kewl. As any concerned mother might tell her teenage son, the problem with getting high is that you never get anywhere.
- That's CLOSE range! Anyone who's played Team Fortress 2 knows you don't snipe with the Heavy. When it's your job to be certain death at close range, don't be surprised when you get your head bitten off taking eighteen foot jumpshots.
- Upgrade! Ron Artest might be my favorite non-gun toting psychotic millionaire athlete, but Playstation is teh suxxor. Must admit your love of Atari would explain many of the holes in your game...when you only have one button available on offense and defense, I'd pick 'dunk' and 'block' too...
Trevor Booker's New Year's Resolutions
- Choose your Weapon! Have you ever tried playing a FPS with only one weapon? If you aren't wincing, you're a sniper god or a camper and I hate you either way. Midrange jump shot two hundred times a day. Do that, and you're a back up on a championship caliber squad.
- Overkill is the Preferred Method! Like I said before, nothing puts a smile on my face faster than Book blasting to the hoop like a rim-seeking missile with an inferiority complex. He may not score, but someone's headed to the hospital. Preferably Josh McRoberts.
- Another Brick for the Wall! Develop transition rapport with JWall to go with a midrange jump shot and that ferocious intensity...it's like a mixture of Guile and M. Bison out of Street Fighter II. Broken!
Kevin Seraphin's New Year's Resolutions
- Razorblades in the Saucepan! You can only cut 'em six times before you gotta reload, and there are no reloads in game. Make it count, hit 'em hard...especially Josh McRoberts. If he dies, he dies.
- Reset Button! Fill the offensive rebounding gap when Javale is out and force our team to keep running the halfcourt offense. Keep putting the ball back up...but work on that back to the basket game. The NBA is not for button mashers.
- Marvel vs Capcom! Bang with the Angry Man Chillun's in this league. There's been a shameful paucity of monster on monster action in the video game industry. When we look forward to a brief matchup with Blake Griffin like our own private viewing of Megalon versus Mechagodzilla, u can haz cheezburger. U can haz cheezburger, indeed.
A Suggestion for Ted - Epic Edition
No wish list would be complete without a shout at the mountaintop. Rename us the Washington Zeppelin. Singular.
- Not only is the Zeppelin monolithic and menacing while being highly combustible, it offers a true triple threat!
- In addition to implying that even should you take us down we'll take you with us, the OKC Thunder will no longer have a monopoly on coolest theme song. Listening to 'Black Dog' pregame and 'Kashmere' after a victory sound too good to be true? HOW ABOUT A NEW MASCOT!
- Say goodbye to G-Man and hello to the Ted Zeppelin! Ted's saintly mug plastered over monlithic menace instantly intimidates Kobe into retiring!
It's the Verizon Center, and Verizon has a deal with Led Zeppelin. Destiny is calling. A Happy New Year from Wall to Wall, Bullets Forever readers, and Good Night!