By now, you've probably heard about the bizarre debate that took place on First Take regarding whether or not Antwaan Randle-El could score a touchdown against a bear. Thankfully, no one decided to take the Mythbusters route and determine what would actually happen, unlike the Chad Johnson vs. horse saga.
What you probably didn't hear is that ESPN was planning another athlete vs. bear discussion with renowned bear specialist Lynn Rogers and All-Star forward Caron Butler to determine if a bear at sitting at mid-court could keep Caron Butler from going baseline to baseline for a jam.
Unfortunately, the segment was nixed from going on the air but Bullets Forever was able to obtain (by which we mean, make up) a transcript from the argument (which may or may not have actually happened):
Jay Crawford: Alright gentlemen, welcome to the debate. Caron, let's start with you. Do you think that you could dunk on a bear?
Caron Butler: Most definitely: I've dunked on a Grizzly before, so any other kind of bear should be cake after that.
JC: Lynn, do you have a response?
Lynn Rogers: Yes. First of all, you have to keep in mind that Grizzlies are among the weakest bears in the world, especially the ones found in Tennessee, so you can't use that to justify dunking on a legitimate bear. Another thing to keep in mind is that bears can grow to be 7 feet tall and 900 pounds yet still manage to reach 35 mph. Imagine a player with Dwight Howard's height, Tony Parker's speed, and Vin Baker's weight, and you've got the right idea. The other thing that you have to consider is that bears are exceptionally skilled climbers, so the bear could conceivably climb the supporting framework and guard the rim from above.
JC: Wouldn't that be goaltending?
LR: Well yes, but I dare you to find a ref that would tell the bear to stop.
JC: Good point. Caron, if the bear is employing that kind of approach, will you still use the same approach that generally take?
CB: I will. I will flush it. I will go up and attack. If that means I have to wrestle the bear off the rim, I'll do it. If that means that I have to climb in his mouth, go through his stomach, and slither through his intestines so I can get past him, then start calling me Exlax Juice, 'cause I'm going straight through.
JC: Now Lynn, all of this talk of goaltending and internal disembowelment is certainly exciting, but would this be out of character for a bear? They're generally passive creatures are they not?
LR: That's correct. Most of the time they're going to stand back and watch rather than try to initiate anything. The imposing figure might lead you to believe otherwise, but all they really want to do is sit and eat. Don't forget, they'll always be more scared of you than you are of them. In fac--
CB: I'm sorry to interrupt, but I thought we were talking about brown bears, not Kwame Brown.
JC: Interesting. Now, for another opinion, we've brought in Caron's teammate, DeShawn Stevenson. DeShawn, how do you think your teammate would fare against a bear.
DeShawn: Bears are overrated, and you can say I said that.
JC: Wow! Some strong words from Stevenson! Lynn, what do you have to say about Stevenson's statement?
LR: That's absurd. Sure, the bear might settle for berries when it could have meat from time to time and it might overdramaticize time to time, but you can't deny the role of the bear in the ecosystem. Without the bear, the forest is just a bunch of clumsy squirrels.
JC: Well there you have it. Now, for one last opinion, we're going to talk with an athlete that had a close encounter with a bear, Gilbert Arenas. Gilbert, tell us about your run-in.
Gilbert Arenas: Well, I was texting back and forth with my old teammate Jared Jeffries and he was trying to get me to go fishing with him. Now, I'm not a big fisherman, because they're never successful. If I want to get some fish, I can go to the grocery store and I can get some fish every time.
Anyways, I was all trying to get him to go fishing on the Wii so we wouldn't have to travel as much and I wouldn't have to take any bug spray, but he wasn't having any of it. So we drive out to the lake and he's got all this high-tech fish stuff and I'm like "When you've got all that stuff, that's not fishing, that's just catching." So when he went back to his car to get some extra stuff, I threw all his gizmos in the boat and then I untied the knot and let his boat float out into the lake.
So he gets back and he's all mad because his stuff is out in the middle of the lake. He gives me this look and I tell him "Hey, if we're going to come out here, we're either going to do some fishing, or we're going to do some swimming." But what I didn't know is that Jared couldn't swim, so he just drove off without me because he was all mad that I wouldn't let him cheat.
I had to figure out a way to get back because my phone wouldn't get no reception out in forest, so I'm trying to remember the path to get back to the city and then I see this bear about 500 feet away. Now, I'd only seen bears on National Geographic, so I'm trying to remember what I saw there, and I thought they said you were supposed to try and distract 'em. So I pull out a picture of Nick Young I had, because he's pretty distracting, and I throw it at the bear. Well, I guess bears don't like Nick either because he started charging at me.
My knee wasn't doing all that great, but when there's a bear the hunt, I turn into Carl Lewis. Finally, I get behind this tree where he can't see me, so I start reaching in my pockets to see if I got anything else on me. I found this little bottle that said DOE URINE on it. I guess I accidentally pocketed it when I was throwing Jared's stuff in the lake. I start looking at the directions and it says you're supposed to apply it to your body. Now there ain't no way I'm doing that, so I figure if it starts on the inside it'll work its way out to the skin.
So I drank it.
CB: Now that's some Tough Juice!
GA: Let me tell you, it was not good. I mean, it's better than getting eaten by a bear, but not by much. I bet I would've tasted better to that bear than doe urine. Anyways, it worked and the bear left, but I sure wouldn't want to go up against a bear in a game of basketball.
LR: Now Gilbert, you do know that bears aren't attracted or repelled by the urine of other species, right?
GA: What?!?
JC: Well, I'm not sure if that helped us answer the question or not.
CB: Well, it sure did for me. Where's the bear? Let's do this!
