Everything That You Never Knew About Gilbert Arenas

[Editor's Note: This diary has been mentioned in a couple places, but it still belongs on the front page somewhere, considering it's probably the early favorite for the SBNation diary of the year (if such a category existed). As such, here it is. -Pradamaster]

Superman owns a pair of Gilbert Arenas pajamas.

Gilbert Arenas lowered the crime rate WHILE cutting government spending.

Notice that the lines at the DMV have been a little shorter lately? Gilbert Arenas.

Global warming?  Yeah, that was Gilbert too.

Some people check their closet at night for the Boogeyman. The Boogeyman checks his closet for Gilbert Arenas.

Gilbert Arenas' sweat has been proven to cure cancer. His urine is an intoxicatingly aromatic cologne. His semen - much to the chagrin of his sexual conquests - can be used as a quick-bonding industrial adhesive.

The four branches of American government:
-Gilbert Arenas

It takes Gilbert Arenas 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Gilbert Arenas doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When Gilbert gets into a rhythm he doesn't get hot.
Hot gets Gilbert Arenas.

Gilbert Arenas punched a man out of hate and erased his entire existance from earth. This cannot be proven, since technically the man never existed, although rumor has it the nonexistant man said something about never scoring a point at Arizona, but of course, we'll never know.

Gilbert actually wears the number 0 as a numerical representation of everyone who has ever beaten him one-on-one in basketball, Halo 2, or an Iron Chef matchup.

Why did Abe Pollin change the name of the team of from the Bullets to the Wizards?  The irony of the  Bullets having the Black Assassin was too much for Abe to handle.

A lot of questioning went into why Gilbert Arenas was left off of the final roster for the US National Team.  The official report was that Gilbert had a groin injury, while in actuality the coaching staff was fearful that Agent Zero had mistaken his invite to the National Team as an invite to the National Guard.  Now you might be wondering how Gilbert could confuse the two.  Let's just put it this way: Agent Zero isn't just a snazzy nickname.

Why did Arenas miss those two free throws against the Cavs?  Because he needed to get home in time to see and subsequently catch everyone on America's Most Wanted because much like Gilbert Arenas, crime never sleeps.

Gilbert can kill you 15 different ways in Halo 2.  Nine of which don't even involve the controller.

Why does Gilbert throw his jersey into the stands after every game?  Because anything that stays in contact with his body for more than 5 hours spontaneously combusts.  And people wonder why he shouts Hibachi.

Gilbert's house simulates high altitude in his ongoing quest to become the first player to score 100 points...on Mount Everest.

People complain that Halo 2 leads to violence.  If by "violence" they mean a lethal jump shot and a killer instinct, then I guess they're right.

Why did Gilbert go for the three when it was tied against the Bucks?  Because he couldn't go for five.

This represents the view of the user who wrote the FanPost, and not the entire Bullets Forever community. We're a place of many opinions, not just one.