We all know that the Wizards are going to clinch at some point before the year 3000, but exactly how long before then is still up in the air. Here is what would be the most excruciatingly satisfying April in Wizards history, and the most painful in Knicks history.
NOTE: I'm not a complete moron, I promise.
April 1, 2014: Randy Wittman releases a mixtape and receives mixed reviews. He gets negative marks for his timing and positive marks for his old-school style.
April 2, 2014: Led by a 40-15-15 triple-double from Jeff Green, the Celtics get a 109-104 win over the Wizards while the Knicks defeat the Nets on a J.R. Smith half-court buzzer-beater on ESPN, seconds after the Wizards' painful defeat.
April 3, 2014: Kevin Seraphin buys a pet fox.
April 4, 2014: The Wizards travel to New York to face the Knicks. Shannon Brown goes for 29 points off the bench and the Knicks win 110-109.
April 5, 2014: Chicago avoids a season sweep by beating the Wizards 102-99, thanks to 10 three-pointers by Mike Dunleavy, Jr.
April 6, 2014: A blizzard hits the DC metro area, giving people no option but to stay inside and watch the Sunday afternoon nationally-televised game between the Knicks and the Heat. Miami rests James, Wade, Bosh, and Spoelstra, and the Knicks get an easy win against the Heat's B-team.
April 7, 2014: Kevin Seraphin's pet fox goes missing.
April 8, 2014: The Wizards hold a players-only meeting at Olive Garden. Bradley Beal gets food poisoning.
April 9, 2014: Bradley Beal misses the game against the Bobcats and the Wizards lose their fifth straight game thanks to 25 points by whichever Zeller plays for the 'Cats, and an 11-11-11-10 quadruple-double by Josh McRoberts.
April 10, 2014: After 3 full off days, J.R. Smith gets stir crazy and receives a one-game suspension for an incident that took place in a Toronto night club that left Drake temporarily deaf.
April 11, 2014: The Orlando Magic defeat the Wizards after John Wall goes 1-15 for 3 points and 8 assists. In Canada, the Knicks are able to overcome the J.R. Smith suspension and get a huge win over the Raptors, with Amar'e Stoudemire scoring 38 points and grabbing 18 rebounds.
April 13, 2014: The Knicks host the Chicago Bulls, and Tim Hardaway, Jr. goes for 41 points in a blowout victory by the Knicks against the Bulls' benchwarmers. The Wizards have another players-only meeting, this time at Carrabba's Italian Grill.
April 14, 2014: The Miami Heat face the Wizards in the Verizon Center, and to everyone's surprise, the Big 3 will be starting in the game. LeBron James attempts to win the MVP in one game as he shoots 25-32 for 73 points to go along with 12 rebounds, and the Wizards lose their eighth in a row, this time by a score of 138-82. Lakers fans rush to Twitter to remind us that Kobe scored 81 that one time.
April 15, 2014: The Knicks, now on a seven-game winning streak, travel to Brooklyn to face the Nets on TNT. The Knicks, down 23 in the third quarter, go on a 30-2 run to take a one point lead with 3.6 seconds to go. Andray Blatche hits a quick layup to put the Nets up 109-108, but Carmelo Anthony hits a turnaround jumper at the buzzer to win the game.
April 16, 2014: It all comes down to this. In an effort to avoid one of the largest collapses in NBA history, Coach Randy Wittman changes up the lineup for the final game in Boston, including starting Otto Porter. At the same time, the Knicks face a Raptors team that is resting all of its starters and New York jumps out to a 29-point halftime lead over Toronto. The Wizards and the Celtics continue to trade baskets, and Boston eventually takes a 5-point lead. Al Harrington quickly hits a three and Drew Gooden gets a steal on the other end to get the ball back down 2 with 12 seconds to go. Otto Porter hits a three from the corner and steals Boston's inbound pass to seal the Wizards win. The Knicks beat the Raptors by 23 points, but miss the playoffs after winning their final nine games of the season.
April 17-30, 2014: "Damn." - Knicks fans.