Editor's Note: Changing things up for this preview.
After hours of palm-reading and studying animal entrails, I can say with at least 50 percent certainty that the Wizards will win tonight's game against the Raptors. From culture to current events, all signs point to a dominating victory for the home side as John Wall and Bradley Beal continue to build on their All-Star Weekend success.
1. The Olympics
As it stands, the USA has more medals than Canada. Let's hope Wall and Beal ride the nation's momentum as America continue to dominate its friendly Northern neighbors.
We have Wale. And Bad Brains. And Minor Threat. And The Clovers. And Thievery Corporation. They have Bieber and Nickelback and Avril Lavigne. I’d take Marvin Gaye over Nelly Furtado any day. And I’m pretty sure Henry Rollins could beat up Neil Young.
Tim Fuller-USA TODAY Sports
Nene has #JesusHands. Jonas Valanciunas does not (skip to 0:55 for #LithuaniaHands).
4. All-Star Weekend
Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports
Terrence Ross earning the highest dunk accolades is so 2013. Expect Wall to turn Kyle Lowry into G-Man tonight.
The Wizards win this category easily since everyone at Verizon Venter will be wearing a WizThong. Right? Everyone? ...No? Just me? Oh. Ok. Well between Nene's hoop earring and Wittman's hipster glasses, the Wizards retain the edge.
Lord of the Rings was better than Jurassic Park. Raptors are extinct, but Bullets are forever.
Final Tally: Washington 6, Toronto 0.
0.491 here we come!