WizGear Review: The Wall-Star Shoe!

Handsome or Hideous? Festive or Frightful? Tasteful or Toxic? We answer these alliterative questions and more in this week's WizGear Review of John Wall's inaugural All-Star shoe, the Crazyquick 2.

Before I begin, I feel I must admit something: I am not sneakerhead. I probably know less about shoes than Joe Jackson.

I am, however, Steezy as _ _ _ _. My fashion sense has been described as "innovative," "avant-garde", and "Wittman-like." Therefore, although my sneaker resume consists mostly of eight generations of Adidas Sambas, I still know a trend-setting shoe when I see one. That's why, several years back, my high school self knew when to momentarily debark the Samba Boat in order to buy a pair of Nike P-Rod II's.

Those shoes saved my social life. One minute I was Eric Maynor, dreaming of ✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈✈ to a new country and starting over. Then the next I was Trevor Booker -- getting more play than I could have imagined because my competition was weak. Those shoes got me more cookie than Sean May could eat in a year. So what if my fleeting flames looked more like Gheorghe than Gisele? The real question is, will Wall's Crazyquick 2's be your one-way ticket to this kind of popularity?

COMFORT: ★★★★★

Of course they're going to be comfortable. Adidas is a quality brand. But if comfort were all that mattered we'd be trading in our Bruno Maglis for Crocs. Not that there's anything wrong with Crocs, I just prefer when my shoes have fewer holes than OJ's testimony. Vesely's beard. Rodman's face.

PRESENTATION: ★★★☆☆

I was going to rate this a one star because, you know, they're atrociously ugly. But that was before I came across the other All-Star Weekend shoes. The Crazy 8's look like they were worn during a botched Smurf robbery-turned-homicide, while the Crazy 1's are reminiscent of a botched Rorschach test-turned-Dock-Ellis-Fiesta. Which actually sounds a lot cooler than it looks. And those Dwight Howard 4's have that incriminating glitter look that you'd normally try to wipe off your pants before getting home from that "business" meeting.

By comparison, Wall is going to look Fresh as _ _ _ _ in his Crazyquick 2's. But don't expect anyone other than JWoww to be able to pull them off. So back off, Damian Lillard.

DESIGN: ★★★☆☆

The biggest question mark regarding this shoe revolves around the enigmatic green splatter strewn across otherwise basic kicks. Remove it and you'd be left with sneakers with about as much personality as a certain first round draft pick. But is it spray paint? Bourbon Street sludge? Remnants of Glow Party shame? The most hopeful interpretation implies that Wall will star in Space Jam 2. If the "Solar Slime" really is alien blood, then it's probably the result of Wall's crossovers breaking the ankles of alien defenders.

Unfortunately, I don't think any of these interpretations are correct. And that's because I too owned several pairs of splattered shoes in college. Even the most basic sneakers can achieve N'awlins level bedazzlement if you can't keep down your ninth helping of jungle juice. And I'm sure it takes fewer drinks in the French Quarter to achieve a similar look.

But one man's puke is another man's Pollock. And to complete this masterpiece you'll need to be steezed out from head to toe.

HOW TO WEAR THEM

Unless your middle name is Hildred, there is only one way to wear these shoes AND achieve C-Booth levels of style and grace. Pair them with these socks, these pants, and this sweater for a look that will make the ladies to stick to you like Jahidi White on Glen Rice.

But be warned. If you choose to digress from my advice because you think the shoes will "look sweet with your neon flat-brim and Hooter's cutoff" then make sure you're prepared to deal with the fact that everyone who sees you will die a little inside. And no, growing out your neck beard won't help "tie the look together." So stick to my pairing advice unless you want to look like a Heat bandwagon fan.

VALUE: ★★☆☆☆

$125 is a lot of money. Which means you SHOULD buy them in order to boost Wall's standing at Adidas. But also consider that with the same amount of money, you could buy a pair of Sambas and still have enough cash left over for 80 McDoubles. Or two weeks worth of groceries. Or six months worth of Wheaton rent. Or 1.96 red-light girls in Hamburg at today's exchange rate. So choose wisely!

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