Thought it was impossible to be manlier than G-Man? More machosensual than G-Wiz?
So did I. That is, until I became aware of The Wizards G-String, a male retro undergarment discovered by Wizards Twitter's @MimiPh. As awareness of the man floss grew, the WIZZNUTZZ made the following proclamation:
"Well, I am a true fan," I thought to myself. And since the only other ways to be a true fan involved cosmetic skills beyond my capabilities, I had no choice. I made the purchase, used my roommates name for the shipping address, and waited for my hammock to arrive.
Like most everything Wiz-related, the WizThong made its debut amongst disappointment. The Clippers held a double digit lead over the Wizards and I was almost out of beer. Just as I was losing hope, I donned the Wiz-themed undergarment and bought another 6-pack. Then Beal hit a #MaynorTime floater. And Temple pick-sixed Crawford. All of a sudden it was a one point game. Alas, it was too little too late, but the positive impact of the Wiz thong was undeniable.
The following is my review of the JahidiFloss Sequel.
I imagine it's hard to "one size fits all" this kind of garment. That said, the hammock is quite sturdy. While it may be too tight for Cassell (and too loose for Steez) there's a low chance of losing your wiznuts in these.
However, the sturdiness may not be ideal for some. If you plan on using this glorified shoelace to pick up Wheaton ladies by evoking your Hilton Armdong, you may want something a little more provocative. Ladykillers like Marcin "Sexual White Chocolate" Gortat would go with a more contour-respecting design, such as the wizznutzz original Jahidi Thong.
So before purchasing, consider the context. I doubt any of us would wear the same thong out in DuPont that we'd wear to church.
You know what? It's actually fairly comfortable. Not quite as comfortable as a pair of Bjorn Borgs (the underwear us Swedes are required to wear in order to retain our citizenship) but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. However, be warned: it becomes snugger as your ADHD meds wear off. Counteract this by abusing something else, or just embrace it and let your man sling ride lower. At this point your Ruffin should be peering over the strap at your inevitable love conquest, assuming you took all of the wizznutzz' advice.
The WizString scores some retro points for bringing back the Sea Blue and Gold. Still too recent to be a mainstream throwback, rocking these colors now will score you some serious Hipst★r points. And one Hipst★r point in real life is worth three in the NBA.
The boxy design is a subtle nod to Mark Rothko's Seagram murals that so aptly encapsulates #SoWizards melancholia. However, the fashion designer clearly understands the air of cautious optimism currently infiltrating the fan base and evokes this by scrawling #46 on the jersey image, an ode to this season's best-case-scenario win total.
That said, the designer can only get you so far. Steez is as Steez does, and when the product covering your backside is thinner than a certain first-round draft pick, you've got to come correct. The more BodyIssue your Mixalot, the better.
Wear one while wandering Miami Beach yelling for Bosh. Go to Good Guys and show them you've got one too. Add some Kwame-level style to your bubble baths. Alienate your friends and family. Buy extras and hand them out to our politicians. Ask Ernie if he ever had short-shorts that were this short.
All this for $10? That's like signing Durant for the vet minimum. Maximum positive life impact without breaking the bank. The only things you'll be breaking are the hearts of your throngs of thong fans, and perhaps your wife's will to make the marriage work. So yes, it's absolutely worth it.
Buy one here!