We usually like to keep Wizards Wrap pretty light. You know, have a little fun, make a couple jokes, and reflect on our weird, quirky, lovable Washington Wizards.
But this week, we are deadly serious.
Dan Steinberg of the D.C. Sports Bog has broken the story of the year, nay, the century: The Wizards are a fan of breakfast cereal.
I know, you're stunned. Take a moment to catch your breath, collect your thoughts. Good? Alright, let's jump right into our in-depth analysis of the Wizards' favorite breakfast grains. We'll begin by stating the objective fact that the best cereals are, in order: 1) Crunch Berries, 2) Frosted Flakes and 3) Honey Nut Cheerios. There are no other choices. It's science.
With that out of the way, let's take a look at Trevor Booker, who loves him some cereal.
"I think I eat more cereal than anyone on the team," Booker told me. "If you go to my pantry right now, I have at least 12 boxes of cereal."
And how many servings does he go through in a week?
"Oooh. Let's start with a day," he said. "I'd say two to three bowls a day, so you do the calculations. Maybe up to 21 bowls a week."
That is some intense cereal consumption, but does Booker have good taste when it comes to which cereals he destroys?
"Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Corn Flakes, Frosted Mini-Wheats - those are my top three," Booker said. "I just go in my pantry and just go down the line, see which one I've got a taste for."
Eh, this is a middling lineup, at best. I mean, Corn Flakes? What is the point of eating sugarless Frosted Flakes when you could have the real thing? The fact that he follows that selection up with Frosted Mini-Wheats makes it even more confounding. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is a solid choice, but I was hoping for better from a supposed cereal enthusiast. Moving on...
What are Chris Singleton's cereals of choice?
"Top 5: Frosted Flakes No. 1, Apple Jacks, Cocoa Pebbles, Fruity Pebbles and then Honey Nut Cheerios on the health side," Singleton said.
Now this is an All-Star lineup. Sure, he's missing the undisputed champ, but Singleton has Frosted Flakes as his top seed, and Honey Nut Cheerios in the mix, though we're not sure what he's getting at with that "on the health side" quip.
Fruity Pepples are also an excellent selection, assuming you're capable of inhaling your breakfast before it becomes a soggy mess of cereal, milk and tears. Cocoa Pepples are Fruity's idiot cousin, and Apple Jacks are nothing more than an infrequent changeup to break the monotony of awesome cereals, but overall, good showing Chris.
Next up: Trevor Ariza.
"I like Honeycomb, I like Froot Loops," Ariza said. "Froot Loops is the bomb. I like Fruity Pebbles. Let me think. Cap'n Crunch, the Crunch Berries. Crunch Berries are unbelievable, except they tear up the roof of my mouth."
DING DING DING!! WE HAVE A WINNER! Yes Trevor, Crunch Berries are "unbelievable." And for those of you screaming out loud, "I KNEW I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE CUTTING THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH ON CRUNCH BERRIES," don't worry. You are far from alone. Actually, "Cap'n Crunch Mouth" is a thing on the internet. This is the price we pay for delicious.
Two years removed from high school, surely Bradley Beal has excellent taste in cereal.
"I don't really eat cereal anymore," Bradley Beal said, echoing his coach. "I'm not sure the last time I had it....I used to when I was younger. [Now] I want to have food food, rather than some grains in my system."
Well, this is disappointing. Too good for cereal, are we? Hmph, whatever Bradley, more for the rest of us.
"If I do [eat cereal], I eat Lucky Charms or Cinnamon Toast Crunch," Beal said, before noting that he'd rather eat Twizzlers or Skittles as a late-night snack.
"Big gummy worm guy," he added.
Yuck. I guess Beal gets bonus points for Skittles and gummy worms, but that's canceled out by Twizzlers. Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch actually aren't poor cereal choices. Too bad he's already shown his true colors.
"I used to be a big breakfast cereal guy when I was young, but I can't do that anymore," Coach Randy Wittman said, after merrily upbraiding me for asking about this. "Have you ever heard of weight gain? When you get older you lose that metabolism. I don't eat any cereal."
Jeez, way to be a killjoy, coach.
I also asked Wittman if he had had a favorite back in his cereal years.
"Actually, Cap'n Crunch was, believe it or not," he said, before loudly asking what has become of the modern sports media.
Not exactly Crunch Berries, but pretty close. Consider yourself redeemed.
Anyway, now that we have the clear headline out of the way, let's get to our weekly roundup of Wizards links:
- If you haven't checked out SB Nation's preview of the 2013-14 Wizards, you're missing out.
- Wall is pretty excited to about his return to Rupp Arena today, where he and the Wizards will face fellow former-Wildcat Anthony Davis and the New Orleans Pelicans. [WaPo | CSN Washington | Wizards.com]
- The Wizards expect to have Nene back against the Pelicans. [CSN Washington]
- Thomas was very impressed with Beal's performance against the Heat. [BF]
- Speaking of which, D.C. cheered LeBron James this week. Excuse me while I go puke. [DC Sports Bog]
- Here's an excellent break down from Umair of the Wizards' use of the 1-3 pick and roll.
- Here's a Wizards preview from ESPN, as well as player profiles.
- ESPN expects John Wall to be the 21st-best player in the NBA this season. I think Wizards fans would take that.
- Wall said he plans to write 'Playoffs' on his shoes before every game this season. As you can imagine, Jake took this and ran. [BF]
- This is a pretty good look at where the Wiz excel on offense, and where they need to improve. [Truth About It]
- Neat story on the Wizards' return to Baltimore earlier this week. [WaPo]
- The Wiz were without Nene and Emeka Okafor against the Knicks, but the bench picked up the slack on the boards. [CSN Washington]
- Carmelo Anthony recently said he wants to test free agency. Should the Wizards be interested? [CSN Washington]
- What do the TAI guys expect from the Wizards this season? [Truth About It]
- Is you-know-who among the NBA GMs on the hot seat this season? [ESPN In$ider]
- Wittman expects to have an update on Otto Porter's hip injury soon. [WaPo | CSN Washington]
- We've already covered this, but Brazilian'hoops legend Oscar Schmidt had some mean things to say about Nene during the Wizards preseason trip to Rio, but Wittman had his player's back.
- Good fan post here on Al Harrington and how his signing this offseason is reminiscent of Martell Webster's last year.
- Speaking of Harrington and Webster, what do we need to see from them this season? [Wiz of Awes (Webster | Harrington)]
- Among the Wizards' more impressive players this preseason has been rookie second-rounder Glen Rice Jr., who hasn't shrunk from the spotlight. [WaPo | CSN Washington]
- Wittman plans to rely on Garrett Temple's defensive versatility this season. [WaPo]
- His chances to make the roster are slim, but Pops Mensah-Bonsu is nonetheless grateful for the opportunity. [WaPo]
- Would Marcin Gortat be a good trade target? [Wiz of Awes]
- In case you hadn't heard, there's kind of big college football game tonight between No. 3 Clemson and No. 5 Florida State. I wonder who ex-Tiger Booker and ex-Seminole Singleton think will win. [Wizards.com]
- Who isn't excited for Beal's sophomore season? [Saving the Skyhook]
- Nets fans don't hate Andray Blatche. Good for them. [Nets Daily]